Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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