we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm really busy with my period
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