tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
