Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
