We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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