I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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