Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
