dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
