come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sext me about skeletons
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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