I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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