Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
