I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
