I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
