if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
