I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
