we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
