Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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