I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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