even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
