It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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