so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
