it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
