considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
