Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
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