God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
