I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
