How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
