I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
