I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
