Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
