cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
