sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
