What a fucking waste of an outfit
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
