If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
