Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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