I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
