So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
