I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
