Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
