so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
