i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
