if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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