That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
