"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
