I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
