see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
