did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
