I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
