I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
