Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
